Death By Chair

If indecisiveness was sexiness, you wouldn't be able to keep your damn hands off me. I am constantly freaking out. For example, even though I have ordered the exact same thing at Subway for the past 20 years, I still get panic attacks when it's my turn to talk to the Sandwich Artist (white or wheat?! WHITE OR WHEAT!!... uhh, I should get wheat but what if I regret it, and it ruins my whole meal?! THEN WHAT?! Ohmygod.) It even took me a year to decide on what to call my blog, and I ended up going with MY NAME.

Anyway, so when my roommate moved out and took all the furniture, it's no surprise that I spent about a thousand hours obsessively scouring the Internet for good deals while breathing into a paper bag. How does one choose what to sit on, eat on, and look at for forever? How does one live with themselves should they choose poorly?

Listen, I'm going to spare you the anecdote of the eventual IKEA trip that took place, because it will bore you and could quite possibly propel me into another panic attack since I'll have to relive it.

Instead, I will share with you something that I did not buy. And the reason I did not buy it: this chair is evil.

It's a lot to know from looking at a .jpg I know, but I am certain of it.

It is alive. It is evil. And it is SUPER pissed off at you.

You had planned to come straight home after work. Kick back, take a load off, and watch a movie. A quiet night hanging out in your chair. But that's not what ended up happening. You actually ended up at happy hour because you have no backbone and your friends pressured you to go. And then happy hour turned into another bar and that bar turned into another bar... because you are a drunk. And now it is 3am, you're sloppy, your cell phone is gone, and you reek of stranger.

Well guess what, asshole. Chair waited up for you. Chair waited up for you all damn night. Chair can smell that stranger on you. And chair is fucking pissed off.

Since it's dark in the house, of course you don't notice Chair. You're just trying to make it to the kitchen for an eating session, when you step on a shitty part of your hardwood floor, and it creeks...

.....CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAKKKKKKK.....

Fuck fuck fuck!

Suddenly, a lamp switches on. You whip your drunken bobblehead around, terrified. Chair is there. And Chair is so upset that it won't even turn to face you. Chair is disgusted with you. You are so busted.

CHAIR: Nice of you to finally come home.

YOU: Uhhh

CHAIR: Let me ask you... how selfish can one person be?

YOU: (nervous shallow breathing)

CHAIR: There, there. Calm down, because you're going to pay for this. You're going to pay for this in the greatest way a person can pay for anything.

You: (nervous shallow breathing)

Chair: With your life.

YOU: Huh?

CHAIR: I'm going to murder you. You are going to die and I will go on about my life as a chair. Because the beauty of my evil plan is that I am just a chair. And only a crazy person would believe that a chair could kill. But you and I know that I am not just a chair, I am an evil muderous Chair. A very evil, very murderous chair.

YOU: (weeping) ...please--

SFX: GUNSHOT.


This is what flashed through my mind when I saw this chair online. And it's why I didn't buy it. Because I didn't want it to murder me. But other than that, I think this chair is absolutely beautiful: