I Love You... But I Love Sports More

YOU: My friends, my heart is fluttering for this new one! She is fucking awesome. She's sweet as pie. She's funny. Laid back. Not clingy. She cooks and she cleans, and she actually enjoys doing my laundry. And guys - she loves sports.

YOUR BUDDIES: Whaaa?????!?!??!?!?! [heads explode]

..........

A FEW THINGS I KNOW:

--I know that there is a salary cap on the NFL, but not the MLB.
--I know that Barry Zito loves to surf.
--I know that Eli Manning said he'd rather sit out than play for the Chargers, but that they drafted him anyway.
--I know that the Chargers traded Manning to the Giants moments later.

--I know that if anyone can catch it, Jim Edmonds can.
--I know that Johnny Damon shaved his beard for charity.
--I know that now he can't even have a beard because the Yankees don't allow it.
--I know that Barry Bonds is an asshole through and through.
--I know that Giambi admitted to using steroids way before anyone was forced to and that he spent some time in the minors thereafter.
--I know that Harold Reynolds was fired for sexual harassment... and it even made me sad.

..........

I love sports. 

And I love you. 

And I love what we have. 

Because together we can cuddle up on the couch with cold beers and watch Sports Center. We can make out like teenagers and giggle our way through the internet, looking for game tickets and rare memorabilia. We can throw caution to the wind and make love all night, our shadow cast on the wall from the glowing light of Stuart Scott's lazy eye on your TV. Remember when he hosted "Dream Job"? And during our routine breaks from passion when we rest up and chug our Gatorades before going again, you can hold the remote in one hand and me in the other.  Hold me tight, count your blessings, and thank God for giving you the perfect woman.

I'm right here, Baby.

I'm your sexy girl to love and your best friend to hang out with, all in one. An angel with a breadth of sports knowledge already built-in. It's as if you've been blessed you with your own personal miracle, isn't it?

Only, my Love, I'm not exactly a miracle. I'm just an ordinary girl who used to have a whole lot of sex with some other sports-loving guy before you. Some of it was wild. Most of it was crazy. All of it was unprotected. But much like you, he'd fall asleep after marathon sex. I could never quite reach the remote so I'd just lay there and listen to Sports Center, not wanting to wake him - panting to catch my breath, re-playing the things he just did to me in my head. Anyway, eventually all this sports mumbo jumbo sank in.

So naturally, I used what I learned from sleeping with him to get you to love me, sleep with me, and buy me stuff. And everything sports related that I'm learning from you now? Well, that's stuff I'll use to impress the guy I'm inevitably going to leave you for.

I love how honest we can be with each other.